If you scour the internet and youtube videos like myself, you’ve probably ran into the topics of ‘Hypergamy’ and ‘Femininity’ at least once.
As a black woman (or any woman of color), you were or are probably scratching your head like ‘WTH is hypergamy and what is the big deal about being ‘feminine’?
I realized that question in and of itself is problematic and I will do my best to articulate why.
I know this topic is not common with my other topics on this blog which typically fall under the categories of ‘beauty’, ‘wellness’ and ‘health’.
However, this is a LIFESTYLE blog too. I chat about ways of living life and living it the best way possible.
I came across the topic of ‘Hypergamy’ sometime late last year (2019) on a YouTube channel by the anonymous youtuber ‘Chloe_’
I say ‘anonymous’ because Chloe’ has not once shown her face and to this day to her over 14.7 thousand followers on Instagram and over 77.5 subscribers on Youtube.
That’s pretty impressive for someone who NEVER shows their face.
Some of you may think ‘why are women taking advice from someone they have never seen before?’
I believe you should never let the distraction of the messenger distract you from the message.
Chloe’s advice seems fairly solid. She boasts and takes pride being a feminine woman who is ‘hypergamous to the bone’. (More on that in a minute).
She also claims to be married with one child and is 100% provided for. However, that is still up for debate.
Her confidence, conviction and clarity behind her message is executed very articulately. It’s there to help women make the right choices when it comes to the men in their lives.
Chloe’s advice also helps provide tips on how women, particularly black women, can boost their confidence since society always try’s to tear us down.
If you ask me, helping people advance their life is not a bad thing and frankly, I don’t need to see your face to take it more seriously.
So what is hypergamy? Again, I had no idea what it was before studying the definition and what it meant.
The definition of ‘Hypergamy’ according to the Oxford dictionary:
“the action of marrying (or dating) a person of a superior caste or class.”
In other words, having some damn ‘STANDARDS’.
See, unfortunately in the Black culture, black women are not taught to have standards beyond being an ‘Independent’ woman.
This idea of walking around the rest of your natural life to pretend that you never need anyone, especially from the opposite sex goes against our feminine ‘nurturing’ nature.
This is psychologically proven. I won’t break that down in this post but you can click the link here on the natural desires that women have before society tried to break us from that.
I know all too well about being the ‘independent’ woman.
I started working at the age of 17. I was brought up in a single parent household raised by my wonderful mother who provided for me and my brother.
As a matter of fact, she did it so well that you would have thought we had a two-parent/two-income household.
While that is admirable, it did not come without consequence.
I saw my mother come home after a 2-3 hour commute (each way) daily, so tired she didn’t even have enough time to cook or spend time with my brother and I.
We had to learn a lot on our own. I don’t say that as if she neglected us, but imagine had she not had been so caught up into thinking she had to go at it alone and not have a partner.
I would have been able to have more time with her. I believe my brother would have turned out different too.
I also witnessed her health deteriorate because physically, it was taking a toll on her.
This is not something women should be proud about. I’m sorry, not sorry.
I experienced that for so long. In the past when I was dating in my mid 20’s I ran a lot of good quality men off because of my whole, “I don’t need you I got as much as you.” competition attitude.
I am NOT a man so why TF would I try to compete with a man?
So many times I was hospitalized from exhaustion and anxiety because I took on everything myself.
Imagine a 5’3 110lb woman trying to exert ‘brute’ strength that of a 6 ft 250lb man? Sounds and looks even more ridiculous doesn’t it?
Hence why I never worked a factory job.
I constantly tried to prove to the world ‘I got this, a man can’t make or break me.’
While it is true NO ONE can make or break me. The fact of the matter is we can’t do much solo without eventually having some team work.
This goes for men too. They NEED us just as much as we want them.
I know I speak for majority black women in America who have experienced this. But it goes so much deeper than that I would not be able to break it all down in this blog post.
I will admit, to an extent I blame feminism, but I digress.
Look at the health statistics when it comes to heart disease, stress and anxiety which has increased amongst women in America ever since they fought to be on the workforce just like the men.
There’s a reason for that.
If you want to get even more technical. I witnessed so many black women raising kids on their own, working late shifts trying to do everything on their own without some assistance from (at the very least) a male figure in their life. They ended up with heart disease, stress and just a low quality of life in general.
A close friend of a family member dropped dead (literally) one day at work. They concluded she had so much stress in her life and the added pressure of having to be the main provider for her house hold, it literally took her out.
Do you think losing your life by hanging on to the pressures of being a ‘single black independent’ woman is appealing?
If it is, I’d say you may want to stop reading this post NOW. Because you may end up finding the argument in support of ‘hypergamy’ offensive and not ready to hold a proverbial mirror to your face.
Studies have shown that non-black women are encouraged (and sometimes expected) to find a good successful life partner and marriage.
Not only that, their upbringing encourages them to find a good suitor who has the ability to provide a certain lifestyle and protect the household as the bare minimum!
Ladies, its in a MANs nature to provide, period! This is scientific facts! Again, study it and read up on the psychology behind men.
Non-black women are not called ‘gold diggers’ or ‘unreasonable’ when they set a standard on the type of men they date or marry, period. At least not if they come from a middle class or wealthy family. Especially if you come from a wealthy family.
However, if a black woman who has worked hard most of her life decides she wants a man who matches or exceeds her tax bracket she is called a ‘gold digger’ or her intentions are questioned as to why she decided to date or marry a certain man, especially if he’s a black man (rolls eyes).
I’m originally from California so those of you reading this who come from the west coast know what I am talking about.
This is a double standard and most black women accept it because we were led to believe that one, no good black man who makes over 6-figures exist who want to marry, let alone marry ‘us’.
I’m here to tell you ladies, that is a lie that you fell for.
You can decide to let society create your life’s narrative for you or you can take sole accountability and go after what you desire. MANIFEST THAT ISH!
No, its not easy and dating in today’s age is complicated for everyone regardless of what race or nationality you are.
Let’s talk about the idea of feminity for a moment and why it is super crucial, assuming you care about your appearance and how you are perceived (to an extent) by the world.
A little back story. Growing up my mom did her best to instill certain grooming practices that I regretfully ignored.
In middle school and high school I would wear sneakers with dresses and skirts. Heck, I hardly wore dresses. It was mostly jeans and sweat pants.
I appreciate my mom for allowing me to have my individual style and that I didn’t get ‘punished’ for it, but she did her best to try to explain to me why that was ‘not cute’. Perhaps in the fashion world it was ‘trendy’ but in real life it wasn’t cute.
I wasn’t taken seriously by the boys on the playground. Matter of fact, they approached me like I was one of them and it gave off this energy as if I was trying to be ‘feminine masculine’. How confusing is that!
I never really understood until my late 20’s that grooming and something as simple as having your clothes fit right and how you carry yourself can determine what you attract.
Knowing what I know now, I would have never walked out the house with ‘messy’ hair. sweat pants and a cheap bag and thank GOD I never allowed myself to walk out the house with a bonnet on my head.
You really attract what you are.
Before I had the confidence and the information I had today. I used to be that jealous woman who looked at another woman with admonishment and ‘hate’ at the same time thinking, ‘who does she think she is wearing red lipstick to the grocery store? “Why is she wearing a cute outfit in the middle of the day just walking down the street and her hair so neat and nails done? Where TF is she going? She’s probably stuck up.
These unhealthy thoughts only brought out my own insecurities in me. It never impacted the other person, you know why? Because they are minding the business that pays them.
Women who carry themselves like this daily are the ones who attract the partners and lifestyles you secretly envy.
This is not healthy.
I now am the woman who takes pride in my looks, has set a standard in my dating life and will only attract people who are at my level or above me, period. It’s not being picky at all.
Being femenine means taking pride in your appearance. Yes even if you’re in a relationship, especially if you’re in a relationship. The competition doesn’t stop just because you are taken. You don’t get the right to be ‘too comfortable”. Wait, you do have that RIGHT, but be prepared for the consequences.
Feminity is also the way you carry yourself and the way you talk. Feminine women are ‘soft’ (not weak). They listen more than they speak (trust me this works in your favor).
I know this is a controversial comparison but look at Lori Harvey.
You’ll understand why I referenced her when you look at her IG stories. I’m not saying mimic her dating choices but study her allure and the way she carries herself. She has a ‘mystic’ to her that is admirable and very intentional.
Understand that practicing hypergamy and being feminine go hand in hand.
Assuming you are a heterosexual woman, you will not attract a lawyer, doctor, successful entrepreneur or any other man for that matter in that field or tax bracket.
If you’re walking around here with a bad attitude, wear loose fitting clothes that don’t compliment you, are too ‘lazy’ to take the time to groom your hair, put on a little mascara and lip balm you won’t like the results too much of the people you attract in your life.
Charge this to the game, not the indivudual.
‘Nycole, I don’t want to ever be married and I don’t care how ambitious a man is. As long as he is loyal and loves me for me I’m good.”
Great! And no one is arguing about your preference. Keep in mind no one ever really ‘loves you for you’ if they did, breakups and divorces would never occur. You don’t have to agree with me on that.
“Nycole, it seems you’re making this about money or what a man can do for ME alone.”
LOL, thats your insecure conscience making you think that way and the way you were brought up and not having the proper female examples showing you what to look for in a partner and having a standard for your life.
Let me ask you this. Do you think a man who takes care of himself has worked damn hard to earn and maintain a certain lifestyle wants to be with a woman who doesn’t match his ‘swag’ physicially or meet his standards?
I can tell you right now, he doesn’t.
When you hear a high value man (the man you secretly wish you had) describe what type of woman he wants I guarantee you the first thing he describes is her looks and the way she carries herself.
Do I have to get into the countless stories of men who were dating ‘average’ or ‘low quality’ ‘low-self esteem’ women before they became ‘successful’ and eventually left them and got with a woman who was physically more appealing with more confidence?
My point exactly.
And statistc’s show that women who are married or at the very least have an accomplished successful provider and protector man in their lives are healthier, happier have better quality lifestyles and not to mention, it keeps their male partners happy and motivated.
Studies also show that when you and your partner decide to have children (within marriage) your children are less likely to grow up in poverty. And I assume you want the best for your offspring, correct?
The saying is so true ‘happy wife, happy life’.
The moral of the story is have STANDARDS in all aspects of your life, carry yourself like you give a damn and everything will fall into place.